I remember teasing with my radiation techs that after all this poking and prodding, my boobs deserved a shopping spree. I thought I'd make it fun and even did a poll on Facebook to see what brands of bras my friends would recommend. I deserved a do-over, right?
Well, that was a mistake. I wasn't ready. Not even close.
Since May of last year, I've spent most of my time in either a sports bra or a sleeping bra; my nursing bras were just too comfortable to give up. (Yeah, I'm that cliche of keeping maternity clothes). My other "regular" bras have seen their days or have been ruined by the extreme amounts of Sharpie marks that were all over my chest for the 7 weeks of radiation.
I'll be the first to admit that any attention given to feeling "sexy" has probably not been at the forefront of my mind for quite some time (maybe even as far back as December 2011 when I had my car accident). That lack or void that I feel can be incredibly difficult for me, Steve, and our marriage as a whole. It's not a good feeling to have even in "normal" circumstances. Some days, I feel like I'm damaged goods and I just wish that feeling would disappear.
I think I thought that buying new bras would magically bring the sexy back.
Then I saw myself in the dressing room - those things suck. I'm an intelligent person and I know the lighting, the mirrors, all of it, is just bad. But, yikes, was I so not ready for it. I felt bad for the poor assistant (at the first store) who was trying to help me find a bra, but all she could see on my face was a mix of horror and sickness. I'm glad my mom was with me to recognize that we probably needed to stop, purchase one bra, and try this "spree" another day.
Over a 3 week period, my mom and I went out exploring different bras. Clearly, I can't be asking that much out of a bra. It's me that has the work to do and that's just exhausting to think about when I've already expended a lot of energy. I've made it through the tough parts of cancer treatments, so it's like I'm wanting time to just hurry up and do the work so that I will feel like myself again.
Whether it's wearing a sexy bra or getting my hair back, these extensions of vanity should probably mean nothing, but they mean just enough to make life hard sometimes. As they say, it's the little things, and here's hoping I can get all these little things pieced back together to find Gin again.
(If you are interested in learning more about what I learned about bra fit and brands - check out my blog post at Fredericksburg Parent and Family Magazine.)
