Thank you, Mums

It was a year ago today when Mums died.  I like to think that she, the irreplaceable Grammy, became our guardian angel that day.  Given all that has happened since her death, I just have to believe she's guiding us through some pretty rough, uncharted territory.

Grief is such a mysterious black box.  For me, it is like an ocean with low tides and high tides.  The bitch of it is, I don't have the timetable for when those huge waves of emotions are going to hit.  I never know when something I see, hear, or smell can trigger those emotions - the love that Mums gave me when she welcomed me into the Schaffer clan, along with the pain that comes from knowing there are no more moments to be shared.

I see a commercial for fried shrimp, a Mums favorite, I cry.  I see an old outfit she bought for the kids, I cry. Mums loved classic country music and whenever our station slips an old George Strait song in, I just start crying like a baby.  I'm sure I'm getting known as the bald, crazy lady driving and crying around Fredericksburg!

Since being diagnosed with cancer, I've often thought about Mums and how concerned (pissed off) she would have been about my health and prognosis.  I have more time (unemployed) and more things to tell her now (cancer patient), but of course, wish I would've called her more back then.  Intellectually, I can work out the guilt, but emotionally, I think that's the baggage that will stick around for awhile.

Steve would call Mums on Sundays and always said hello by saying the state or city we were in at the time (e.g., "Massachusetts calling"). It saddens me that Steve never got to say "Fredericksburg calling." In my heart, I have to believe that Mums knew we had hopes to move back down South in the future so that we could be closer to family.  Her death solidified that for us - we had to get the kids closer to one another.

The kids.  Corey, Dillon, Matthew, Logan, Jack, and Anna are the living embodiment of all that was their Grammy.  It's moments shared with them now that make us realize how truly fortunate we are and thankful that Mums got to love (spoil) her grandchildren.

They love and laugh deeply because of you, Mums.  Thank you for that.

We love and cherish you, always.